


Thirty More H's

by xandermartin98



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Killjoys, Alternate Universe - Psychopaths, Animal Abuse, Anti-Hero, Badass Harry, Blood Drinking, Blood Kink, Blood and Gore, Cannibalism, Character Death, Child Abuse, Churches & Cathedrals, Demons, Destruction, Don't Have to Know Canon, Double Anal Penetration, Dragons, Electrocution, Escape, Explicit Language, Explosions, Father/Son Incest, Fire, Foot Massage, Gang Rape, Gen, Gross, Hell, Heroes to Villains, Human Sacrifice, Lasers, Lightsabers, Masturbation, Mind Rape, Motorcycles, Musical Instruments, Nudity, Organ Theft, Orgasm, Penises, Randomness, Sadism, Video Cameras, Villains, Violence, Voyeurism, Zombie Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-05-26
Packaged: 2018-01-26 16:13:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1694468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xandermartin98/pseuds/xandermartin98
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The long-awaited sequel to the infamous Harry Potter fanfic known as Thirty H's has arrived. It's bloodier, smarter, funnier, and more sensible than the original, although the original is still the best. You thought Dobby killing demonic astronauts with a bloody chainsaw attached to his penis was insane? Then you might love this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fatality Of Hermoine

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/52034) by Secondpillow. 



Harry then reached into Hermoine's breast, ripping the blood-soaked pulsating heart from its socket. Grasping the heart in his hand, he took a delicious juicy bite out of it, chewed it up and swallowed it, feeling the blood flow through his digestive system. Then, Harry threw the broken heart into a nearby wood chipper, pouring the leftover bloody remains into a syringe and mercilessly injecting it into the withered folds of his scrotum.

"How does your girlfriend taste, master?" Hagrid asked.

"Like some pussy with ventricles." Harry replied.

Harry's demonic guitar, Fuckslayer, transformed into a fire-breathing motorcycle made out of space dragons with machine guns.  
Using this ultimate instrument of badassery, Harry tore through the demonic zombie horde, harnessing the force of a thousand dragons to slay fucklings and people he didn't like. Hagrid got run over by Harry's Fuckcycle and was flattened into a zombie raccoon pancake. Harry thought about juice.


	2. Devil Worshippers

Harry arrived at the church. There were laser beams shooting out of the blood-stained glass windows, and the church symbol had become a pentagram. 

Harry observed the door. It was locked. Using Fuckslayer as a rocket launcher, Harry punched the rotten wooden door, shattering it into a million pieces. The inside of the church was shrouded in darkness.

Harry used his fuckfire to light the barely visible torches. Suddenly, an elderly man appeared. It was Dumbledore, entombed in his cursed, bloody, blood-splattered, blood-dripping, bleeding, skeletal mummy armor, with blood-red tears ejaculating from his eye sockets. His mummy armor was rusted from both the rain and the blood.

"Harry, what have you done?" Dumbledore asked, coughing up his brain and snorting it back up his nose. "I am rapidly becoming a zombie. You must realign the stars. Until then you are banished to this post-apocalyptic planet, Earth."

"But Bumblesnorf," Harry angrily replied, "I told you! There will be no one left to kill everyone in the universe if we get around to bringing everyone back to life after we killed them!"

"I am now Crumblegore." Zomblefore replied, beginning to lose his identity. "Make your prayers to Satan and be on your way."

Harry made his prayers to Satan, squirting Hermoine's beautiful blood through his urethra and watching it fill the devil's sacrificial pot. The windows shattered, and a mysterious voice started counting down.

"Ten..." Harry began to run.  
"Nine..." Harry continued running. The church had suddenly become longer than he remembered it.  
"Eight..." Harry sweated and continued sprinting as his sweat burned holes through the floor.  
"Seven..." Harry sensed that the floor was crumbling behind him, and the heat was becoming sweltering.  
"Six..." Harry suspected that the pit under the floor led straight to Hell and continued blazing forward.  
"Five..." Harry fished Ronnie Ron's testicles out of his sandwich, spat out another eyeball, and continued chewing.  
"Four..." Harry swallowed his pride.  
"Three..." Harry's shoes became rocket-powered jet skates as he flew forward.  
"Two..." Harry felt his gut clenching as the hand of Satan nearly gripped him.  
"One..." Harry flew through the door, feeling his sanity escape him.  
"Zero..." Just as Harry escaped through the door, the entire church burned down, leaving a lake of screaming lava in its wake. 

Harry thought about cupcakes.


	3. Undead Dead People

Channeling the power of Fuckslayer into his muscles, Harry threw Hagrid's zombified roadkill corpse into the crater. The lava boiled as he summoned the great meteor, swathed with the blood of a thousand zombie fucklings. Lava splashed out as Harry fled using his jet skates.

Harry's sacrifices had pleased the devil, and a strange-looking lava figure suddenly leaped from the ruined crater.

"Hello, my name is Frank Ucking Lava. How do you do?" Frank melted into a lava puddle, setting the stars ablaze with constellations of epic failures. Harry facepalmed hard enough to nearly crush the skull of his forehead.

Arriving at the graveyard, Harry rocked the fuck out. Demons' souls began to shit poop into the atmosphere, while angels' souls were busy being...whatever the fuck angels' souls are.

Harry swung Fuckslayer through Voldemort's tombstone, slicing it, dicing it, and making julienne fries out of it. Suddenly, Voldemort was standing behind Harry.

"Hello, Harry." Voldemort greeted him.

"What do you want?" Harry asked, clenching his anus.

Voldemort had a brief spleen cramp, then continued speaking. At least he was about to until one of his eyeballs started hanging out of its socket. Voldemort stuffed it back in and continued speaking. At least he was about to until he accidentally swallowed three of his rotten teeth. 

Voldemort ripped one of his toenails off, drank his toe blood, coughed up black slime, extracted the bloody pus from his pimples, picked the hairy boogers out of his nose, sucked out his earwax through a straw that was covered with vomit, and continued speaking. At least he was about to until one of his mucus-clogged lungs fell out of his moldy ribcage.

"What the fuck?" Harry wondered. "None of the other zombies aged this badly."

"You fool!" Voldemort yelled. "That zombie wasn't the real me! I am immortal!"

Harry thought about canned spinach.


	4. Snap & Loopin

Harry was shocked when he saw what had happened. Voldemort was completely naked, with no clothes on. As Voldemort descended the staircase from heaven as he does every night for a glass of blood, Snape and Lupin filmed him on video camera. Lupin was masticating to it, and as his gloriously gay and cheerful orgasm exploded with all the white stuff of the Milky Way, Snape marveled at how gay Lupin really was.

"MY IMMORTAL..." Lupin fetishized as flesh-eating zombie weasels clawed his face off.

Snape transformed into a versatile snake and slithered into Voldemort's unprotected anus, literally biting Voldemort's ass as he quickly tunneled his way deeper and deeper inside. He traveled all the way from the ass to the mouth. He made a beeline through Voldemort's right nostril faster than Voldemort could sneeze. 

Snape the snake had reached Voldemort's behavioral control center. Yes, Voldemort's brain. He peed on it and was shocked nearly to death, also knocking Voldemort out for a few seconds. While Voldemort was down, Snape bit into his spongy brain. "Tastes like chicken." Snape thought. But then the brain's defense systems reactivated, firing laser beams and frying Snape into a snappy crisp.

"Voldemort!" Harry yelled. "Show me what you've got!"

Voldemort harnessed the unique power of Weird Al as he spoke. 

"I've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters, trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water meters,   
Walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires, BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers,   
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters, paint removers, window louvers, masking tape and plastic gutters,   
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables, Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles,   
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication, metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation,   
Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors, tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors,   
Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers, tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers,   
Soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers, calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers..."

Harry used Fuckslayer's forcefield spell to block the random shit that Voldemort threw at him, but the sheer amount of random shit that was thrown at the forcefield caused it to explode, creating a mushroom cloud.

Harry thought about bananas.


	5. Gay Bastards

Standing in the eye of the nuclear storm, Harry observed Voldemort's steel-plated body.

"I am a cyborg now." Voldemort explained. "Also, I AM GOD!" He shot lightning from his fingertips, electrocuting Harry.

"Yeah? Well, I'M STILL HUMAN!" Harry yelled. Using Fuckslayer as a flamethrower, Harry fried Voldemort's circuits until they resembled burnt bacon. Harry hissed for dramatic effect, unaware that he was being watched.

"Check it out, bro!" Draco addressed Lucius, who had just finished blending puppies, kittens and children into a smoothie-like mixture.

"What is it?" Lucius asked.

"It's that overpowered fool Harry." Draco asked. "Little does he know, soon we will overpower HIM!" Draco cackled evilly, stroking his fiddle which was known as Freakslayer.

"Hey Lucius, would you mind giving me a foot massage?" Draco asked.

"Ugh...yes..." Lucius groaned. "I enjoyed perhaps the first ten times you made me do this over the past three days, but I am growing sick of it. Say, where's the evil medicine?"

"What? My feet smell like roses." Draco argued.

"They do not!" Lucius argued back. "Go take a shower, for Lucifer's sake!"

Draco took all of his clothes off, revealing his armored half-skeletal body with the penis still intact, and went to the washroom for a shower. As he closed the black curtain and turned the bloody knob, blood began to spray from the nozzle. Draco cleansed himself of any redeeming qualities, soaking himself with the blood, drinking it in, and scrubbing himself using his shampoo and body wash, which were both made from people's souls. All the while he was humming a song about how evil he was.

Harry noticed a camera floating above him. Throwing Fuckslayer like a bladed boomerang, Harry sliced the camera in two.

"Damnit!" Draco yelled while brushing his teeth with children paste. "I wanted to see him kill more motherfucking zombies!"

Harry thought about stinky cheese.


	6. Father & Son

Draco walked back out into the living room with his flesh towel wrapped around him, greeting Lucius.

"Hey Lucius!" Draco addressed him. "Harry killed our fucking camera! Now what'll we do?"

"I have something to tell you, Master." Lucius said with a hint of irritation.

"What is it, my inferior minion?" Draco asked, gargling and spitting a mixture of saliva and blood all over Lucius's face.

"Harry never told you what happened to your father." Lucius began.

"He told me enough!" Draco spat. "He told me you killed him!"

"No." Lucius corrected Draco. "I AM YOUR FATHER."

"WHAT? NO! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! THAT CAN'T BE TRUE! NO WAY!" Draco whined.

"Well, it is." Lucius assured him, drawing out his lightsaber and circumcising the fuck out of Draco's penis.

Draco screamed like a little girl. His scream was so high-pitched that it actually shattered the windows. Pieces of the glass windows flew into his eyeballs, and he screamed in pain as blood sprayed from his eye sockets. Lucius then beheaded Draco, took Draco's head in his hand and crushed it. After watching the blood gush from Draco's chicken neck, Lucius kicked Draco, who toppled off the edge of the balcony and fell to hell, and the demonic servants rape them to this day, boys and girls.

Harry thought about strawberries.


	7. Psycho Crusher

Harry noticed the commotion off in the distance. Using all of Fuckslayer's power, he teleported himself to the castle's front gate. 

"Open sesame, motherfucker." The gate opened.

Keeping his body perfectly straight, Harry performed a midair sideways barrel roll with Fuckslayer gripped tightly in his outstretched arms. Using this stunt with all of Fuckslayer's power channeled into it, he flew across the moat and drilled a hole right through the drawbridge.

"I see I have met my match." Lucius observed, grabbing Freakslayer, which rightfully belonged to him.

Harry shoulder-charged into the front door, throwing all of his weight against it and sending it sliding ten feet down the hallway.

"Holy shit!" Lucius exclaimed. "This boy's power level is over nine thousand! He must have sold his soul in exchange for such ungodly power!"

Harry climbed the staircase. Using Fuckslayer as a club, he beat the shit out of the Cerebus, knocked all three of its heads unconscious, shattered all three of its skulls, and ate all three of its brains while laughing maniacally. 

Climbing the next staircase, followed by another staircase, and then ten more staircases after that, Harry kicked open the door to Lucius's royal headquarters on the top floor.

"You call yourself a man?!" Harry yelled.

"What is a man?" Lucius implored, his cursed fiddle burning with a passion nearly as devilish as Fuckslayer's. "A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk! Have at you!" Lucius teleported over 100 millimeters from his throne to the floor, and the battle began.

Harry thought about moon pies.


	8. The Strings Of Fate

Harry's guitar clashed with Lucius's lightsaber, sending the blade flying who-knows-how-many meters through the air and hitting an airplane off in the distance. "They still make those?" Harry wondered.

"Oh, for fuck's sake..." Lucius groaned angrily, pulling out Freakslayer. "This will be a battle of guitar versus fiddle! MAY THE MOST BADASS MUSICAL INSTRUMENT WIN!"

Harry shredded like the blades of Hell on his guitar, firing a laser beam made out of explosions. Lucius played a faster version of the intro to Through The Fire And Flames on his fiddle, firing a laser beam made out of nine hundred ninety-nine percent rainbow power.

The beams clashed like this for several hours before a fly flew into the center of the void, causing everything within a one-thousand mile radius of the castle to explode. Harry and Lucius were sent flying straight up into outer space, their demonic curse armor rapidly losing energy.

Harry thought about pizza.


	9. The End Of All Life As We Know It

Flying through space at speeds mankind cannot even begin to fathom, Harry summoned an asteroid, calling all of Fuckslayer's remaining power to his aid. He encased the entire asteroid in a flarestorm of holy fuckfire and flew into Lucius, killing the fuck out of him. Then he sent Lucius's carcass into Mars, killing the fuck out of it and making every hope for humanity explode, and inside every bomb shelter a hobo sang of mortal life's fleeting precipice.

Harry then did fly through space, punching planets in half with his fists encased in fuckfire and throwing their ruined pieces into the Sun, so that orbits changed and now there are no moons orbiting Earth.

As Earth slowly drifted into the Sun, Harry was having water and crumpets on a raft with the president of Antarctica.

"Care for some boiling-hot water, Harry?" Rape Radbury asked.

"You know how I hate crumpets." Harry replied.


End file.
